2. Internal vs External
All of us have been given the power to create our own realities in life. One of the great secret truths about life is that our internal thoughts, feelings, and ideals, do far more to create our world, than external forces like politics and society.
Once our children wake up to this incredible reality, they begin immediately to define their world with their internal values, instead of peer values.
3. True Identity
Our children need to understand their true identity, that includes two powerful aspects:
First, they are children of God... not swamp critters that have evolved. As such, they are connected to the Divine – an immovable, wonderful heritage. That fact alone gives our
children awesome power to stand fast in the face of peer pressure.
Second, each of our children are unique individuals, with special gifts and talents. The starting point to understand this amazing individuality is the Parenting With Style model.
(To listen or read Part One of this series, simply click here now)
The result of that conversation was a lot of interesting questions on exactly how you help your children identify their true identity.
So, Margie and I decided we would take time on this week’s call and specifically focus in on those aspects of parenting. Here we go…
Parenting With Style… What is Your Style?
One of the very most powerful ways to understand who your child really is – what their true identity is, is to understand their personality style. This gives you a powerful beginning point, because it narrows down the possibilities of what their core gifts and talents really might be.
As a review, here is s summary of each personality type:
• Choleric. Powerful personality style. Natural leader, loves to be in control, but hates to be controlled. Aggressive, strong-willed, and if the choice is fight or flight, they fight. Things get done quickly, though usually by someone else under their direction.
• Sanguine. Where's the party? Fun, full of life, enjoyment, passion, and energy. Wild and creative imagination. Easily distracted. Most of the young Sanguine's of today are sadly being labeled ADD and stuck on meds, when really they need constructive, creative, fun avenues to release their enormous reserves of energy.
• Phlegmatic. Solid, consistent, reliable style. Easy going, does not like conflict, relaxed. A true friend and a wonderful listener. With all that, they can be lazy and tend to want to get out of work... and play... and, well, just about anything that doesn’t take more effort than breathing.
• Melancholy. Correct, organized, meticulous, and clean style. Naturally talented in music, science and the arts because they are quantifiable and structured things. Loves order and thrives on precision. Tend to be right because they track everything and don't forget easily.
Now, let me take a detour right here and talk about a business concept that has incredible application in the home. It is the 80/20 principle.
The 80/20 Principle In Real Life
It is said that most – or about 80% - of the work done in the world is done by about 20% of the people. This concept is expanded when you look at the fact that 80% of the world’s wealth is held by about 20% of the earth’s population. We could go on and on with 80/20 statistics.
But did you know that this principle applies to you personally, as well?
Suppose for a minute that you have 100 things, talents, or gifts that you can do well. If we took those 100 gifts, we would find that actually there are 20 of them that you do very well.
It may be that you are a homemaker and keep the house running fairly smooth… which always includes a million little tasks, not just 100! But, if we dissected all the many, many things that get done in a home, we would likely find that you are really good at doing 20% of them. It could be that your laundry never gets piled up. Maybe the counter tops are always neat. Or maybe you have a knack for decorating that gives your home a warm and inviting feeling. It could be that your social skills are top notch so that there is a steady stream of friends and family coming and going from your home. Maybe it is cooking and the creation of delicious foods.
You get the point. There is something that you do in your life, that you do better than the 1000 other tasks at hand.
It is the 80/20 principle at work in your life. The same could be said for tasks in your profession, parenting, playing, and every other aspect of life. If you do 100 things good, you are sure to be able to do 20 of those things really good, maybe even exceptionally good.
The 80/20 Is Like An Onion... It Just Keeps On Going
Now, did you know that this principle is like an onion? It has endless layers of application. So, now, let’s take the next layer by looking only at the 20 things that you are really good at. Now, we can see that of those things, you are actually amazingly good at 5 of them… or about 20%.
And it doesn’t stop there either. We can apply the 80/20 to those 5 things as well and discover that you are mind boggling good (or could be… which is not quite the same thing) at 1 of those 5 things… or 20% of them.
Now, as the famous marketing slogan goes… but wait! there’s more!
You guessed it, if we looked at that one thing that you are stunningly good at in you life, we would discover that there are “niche” aspects of that thing and among those niche elements, there is something that you are better at than anyone on planet earth. There is something there that God has uniquely given you that he has not given to anyone else. It is the core of who you are and what makes you wonderfully special.
80/20 Meets Parenting With Style
The magic of discovering our children’s true identity, happens when we overlay the 80/20 principle and the Parenting With Style model. The personalities help us identify categories, or areas of strengths and gifts. Then, within this spectrum, we can begin to identify what they are exceptionally good at and then what of those things they are uniquely gifted at.
Building on those strengths, we can help our children understand the God-given, immovable aspects of their true identity. This in turn, gives them power to overcome peer pressure that is not in harmony with their true identity, values and attributes.
Respect For True Diversity
There is something else that happens as we take our children on this wonderful journey of self-discovery… they begin to deeply respect and understand the wonderful diversity that God has created in His children. They begin to see that not all were meant to be leaders, great teachers, movie stars, soccer stars, master piano players, etc… So the pressure to be just as good as the neighbor children at whatever the latest fad is, fades away.
Competition is striped away as well, because they recognize that deep down, they are someone special and unique and they don’t have to compete with everyone else to be somebody. They just have to be true to their core gifts that God has given them to find happiness.
Some will be football champs… but others will not, and that is OK. Some will play the piano with stunning grace and talent… but others will not. And so the list of talents and qualities could go on.
This principle of diverse gifts and talents is outline by Paul in 1 Corinthians 12. We each have a special way to bless the lives of those around us. Because of that, we should never resent the success or fame or good works of others. Rather, we should take time to develop our own unique gifts – our own true identity, and focus on being the best we can be.
Our children should learn that some will be given 10 talents, while others will be give 2. In the end, if we develop what we have, our rewards will be the same.
Using the principle of 80/20 in combination with the Parenting With Style model has incredible application into countless areas of our lives.
Stop The Fights, Eliminate Peer Pressure, Establish A Happier Home
Why do siblings fight with each other? Usually out of competition and a need to find self-worth.
Why do children succumb to peer pressure and pick up bad habits, thoughts, and behaviors, even at a very young age (like at pre-school and day care)? Because they are not anchored in who they are and seek to please the crowd so they can be someone.
The list of family situations could go one, but in almost every circumstance, there is enormous value in applying these two principles and teaching your children who they really are.
Take Action: This Week's Assignment
So, here is your assignment for the week… take a few minutes to think about your children, one-by-one, as individuals. Make notes on what you think their dominant personality style is. Then, consider the strengths you have seen in them. Be careful not to see the strengths you want to see in them, but the ones that are naturally theirs.
Make a note of these things and then make a plan to encourage those strengths. Over time, you begin to see that among their strengths, they do some of those things very, very well. Now make a plan to encourage the development of those strengths.
One final word of caution: Don’t just look for the things that the world has labeled as “strengths”, like sports, musical talents, and academics. These things are nice, but the God made far more invaluable gifts than these.
What about the gift of seeing the good in others? How about the gift of confidence? Or do you see the gift of harmony and peacemaking? Have you considered the gift of honesty and integrity (a rare gift in today’s world). Again, the list could go on and on.
As you think about each of your children, you will hear a sweet inner voice whispering ideas and thoughts and feelings to you. That still, small voice is your guide to understanding who your children really are.
So, take some time, listen carefully, observe patiently and find out who these amazing, special children really are.
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